We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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