i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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