STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
