Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
