a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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