Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
