I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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