I must be too annoying 4 u.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
