can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
