girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
