Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
