I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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