I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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