I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
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Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
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Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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