I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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