I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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