I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
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We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
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I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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