I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
