I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
