1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
