I accidentally had phone sex last night
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
