He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
