I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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