There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
