once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
