3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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