real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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