And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
