[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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