i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
