i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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