last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
