You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
