She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
