I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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