I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
