Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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