guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
