You're my little dorito
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
