I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Randomize
