Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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