I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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