My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
