I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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