ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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