I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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