Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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