Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
