If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I checked into jail on foursquare
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
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I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
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What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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