hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That accounts for only three of the penises
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
