It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
