I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
