Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
