I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
