i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize