I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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