At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
