I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
